Breaking The Binge/Purge Cycle

I've been sick the past few days and today is my first day back at work. I'm not completely better, but at least I don't sound like a man anymore. I just finished round two of coffee and am getting ready for the work day. 

I'm working very hard at not purging today. I haven't had a purge free day in awhile. I would never purge again, but let's be realistic here. I've been purging for nine years, and quite consistently for the past two years.

I feel like I need an intervention. I've thought about telling my parents and having them monitor me for a few days to keep me accountable. The problem with that idea is that they would make me actually eat as well. I want to stop purging, but still restrict. I'm pretty sure that won't fly with my parents or anyone else who has my best interest in mind. 

So I'm back to square one. Breaking the binge/purge cycle is up to me. I am on my own this time.

I've decided I want to stop eating food at work. There's so many potlucks and such. Most people know about my eating disorder and judge me when I do eat. Especially this one girl- let's call her C. Whenever I get food, I feel her eyes on me. Sometimes she tells me I don't need that much food- like one cookie is enough instead of three. WTF?! She's very overweight and I'm underweight. Of course, she probably is saying that because she knows I'm going to purge it. She thinks I won't purge it if I only have one cookie. FALSE. I will purge it no matter what. Having a cookie, even just one, isn't okay for me to keep. Might as well have three if the one is going to come back up anyway.

Of course, I can't exactly explain this to her. I highly doubt she'd understand my rationality. 

So the plan??? I want to stop eating ANY food at work. I'll drink my tea, diet soda, and sugar free apple cider, but anything solid should not and WILL NOT touch my lips. 

I feel like restricting today is almost pointless since K is coming over for dinner and game night with my family tomorrow evening. I feel like having to have that meal with everyone is going to completely undo all my hard work today. 

But maybe not. The only thing I'm planning on eating today after work is an apple and two beets. Plus, I'm going for a long walk today too. I'll let you guys know how today turns out. 

Failure

I'm such a failure in so many ways. I fucked up at work today. I'm so embarrassed. I feel incompetent and slow. I hate myself for fucking up so much. I'm scared I'm going to lose my job. I fear they're starting to see I'm not fit to do this position.

My weight is a big fuck up too. I gained two pounds in the last week. I've been eating a lot more and trying to stabilize my body since my labs weren't so great when I saw my doctor last Wednesday.

115pds. I can't get away from that number.

On top of that, I'm sick. I am afraid this is going to make my coworkers and boss look at me with further disapproval. I'm not working tomorrow. I am so sorry.

I hate myself today. I really do hate me right now.

And on the outside, I pretend I'm fine- well, I pretend my self-worth is still intact instead of in shambles like it really is right now.

I don't know how anything is going to get better. K...things are moving along between us...our friendship is definitely turning into something more. I feel like I need to run away before he see's the mess I really am. I mean, I'm pretty honest with him, but pretty soon it'll be more than he can handle. Maybe I should cut him off now? Spare us both?

Low Potassium

The last few days haven't been going so well. I had several appointments this week. All of them went well except my doctor's appointment. I had my blood work done and I had low iron, vitamin D, potassium and high cholesterol (genetic- diet doesn't change it, only meds that I've been slacking on). My blood pressure was 90/60 which is normal for me.

I can tell my potassium has been low, from all the purging. My hands have been cramping up and I've felt quite unwell. It's so frustrating...

So in order to get my body back to an OK place, I've actually been eating and keeping food. Since I haven't really been eating solids (or at least keeping them), my body is slow do digest. I'm incredibly constipated right now and it shows on the scale. 115pds! WTF! I hope that once I ACTUALLY poo, things will get better.

My Jeans Feel Better!!!

I'm still losing weight. Good news, I guess. Today I actually FELT thinner. My arms are looking smaller and my jeans finally fit again. I bought these jeans when I weighed the same- 112pds- a year ago. THANK GOD THEY FIT AGAIN. 120 pds was just WAY TOO SNUG.

I hope to be under 110 by next weigh in. I don't know how realistic that is though. I mean, I lost 7 pounds my first week. I've watched enough episodes of Biggest Loser to know after a big weight loss, a smaller one is the follow.

I binged and purged again this morning. Again. FML. Guess on what??? A FUCKING CAN OF BLACK BEANS AND CHEESE. Why do I keep going back to this?! It just seems odd to me. It's like the bean and cheese burrito without the burrito part.

And then two bowls of cereal. Go me. Really. I'm just waiting for my weight to shoot up from all this bingeing and purging. I don't know why, but b/ping works for me.

BINGES SUCK.

I had a few binges yesterday. What's my problem?!

Binge #1

apple

2 servings caramel apple crisp

2 plain caramel chunks

Binge#2

apple

3 large pancakes with syrup

1 serving thai ginger rice noodles

2 cans black beans with lots of cheese

I mean REALLY? Who the fuck binges on cans of black beans?! I was so good throughout the day. I said no to pizza at lunch AND pizza at dinner (apparently yesterday was a pizza day). I went on a long fast paced walk. I didn't eat anything else.

And then I go and fuck it up.

Somehow, I still managed to lose weight. When I was in recovery, I was really good about replacing whatever I purged with some other food. Now I'm not replacing it at all, just drinking loads of water. 

Todays plan?? No solid food. I can't trust myself with it. Two coffee's with soy cream and a sugar free apple cider for lunch. 

Weigh In: Oct 8

113.0 pounds

I'm shocked I dropped nearly 7 pounds in a week. Maybe I wouldn't be a surprised if I actually stuck to restricting but I didn't. Half of the past week, I was bingeing and purging loads. This weight loss is likely water weight, but hey, I won't lie- seeing a lower number makes me happy.

Fall is here

K and I went apple picking. I didn't purge at all yesterday because I was with him and I don't ever want  him to see that side of me. I ended up eating homemade applesauce, two pumpkin doughnuts, an apple, and two servings of caramel apple crisp. Can someone say overload on the whole fall festive treat thing? But that's all I ate yesterday and I somehow managed to lose a pound. Don't ask me how that works because I can honestly say I have no idea.

In fact, despite bingeing and purging A LOT this week, I've seemed to steadily be losing weight. I'm sure it's mostly due to dehydration, but a girl can hope, right??

Tomorrow is weigh in day. Kind of nervous but we'll see what happens.