I'm sorry, but I'm not recovered.

I can't be honest about these thoughts in real life. There's too many expectations of me, too many people relying on me to be the strong one. To them, I am in recovery from my eating disorder. I'm happy with my body and my life.

What a lie. 

I'm purging 1-3 times a day or not eating at all. I hate my body. I can't wait to be living on my own in a couple weeks so I don't have the obligation to eat for my parent's happiness and satisfaction that all is right in my world. I don't like my body. I want to lose weight. I want to fit into my old clothes- the ones I wore when I weighed 25 pounds less than I do now. 

Some moments I don't want it. Some moments I actually want recovery and just to eat and be normal and happy. But more often than not, I want my eating disorder.

This is the truth I hide. Because if anyone knew, they'd try to stop me. For now, let them be happy and think I'm doing great. This is the darkest side of me, the one I hide to keep.

Avi