October Weight loss Challenge

Yep, that's right peeps. I'm doing a weight loss challenge for myself and anyone else who wants to join. My goal is to not eat any processed food and stick to a primarily raw vegan diet.

My Main Staples
- Veggies (beets, carrots, cauliflower, red pepper, etc)
- Fruits (APPLES, grapes, etc.)
- Potatoes/sweet potatoes
- Almonds

- Water
- Kombucha
- Coconut water
- Tea
- Daily coffee with soy creamer

My goal is to eat as little as possible and never (or at least rarely) purge. I'll only weigh myself once a week on Mondays.

Bring it on!

Do I Still Have It?

I am so tired today! K wants to hang out with me today, but I don't feel up to it. He brings up so many conflicting and uncomfortable emotions in me, totally not is fault either. It's easier to shut him out, especially when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable.

I'm pretty sure I'm PMSing. Everything my parents say to me makes me want to snap back at them. I'm easily irritable and my skin is breaking out- sure signs I'm about to get a visit from Aunt Flo. It's odd for me though. I JUST had my period return a month ago. I haven't really had it since my last major relapse. 

Both times I ate meals today, I purged. I managed to keep an apple and a piece of toast with peanut butter after that, because I felt shaky and on the verge of passing out. My momma went to the fruit farms today and got some yummy things- beets picked this morning and a box of apples just picked too! For dinner I'm going to treat myself and have an apple, a beet, and a baked potato. I'm not restricting yet. That begins Monday when my parents go out of town for the week. That way, I won't have them on my back about restricting.

My weight went back down to 115 pounds, despite me really fucking up yesterday in the food department. 115, the number I can't seem to get away from. I will be getting away from it though, and quite soon. I have social obligations to eat something tomorrow for lunch, but monday through wednesday will be complete fasting days, besides my morning coffee with soy cream. My social obligations to eat this next will be Thursday morning at work, and probably Saturday morning breakfast in a week. K wants to take me out to breakfast so I'm guessing it'll happen next weekend. 

I wish I could just stop eating completely. It annoys me to have to eat here and there. I'd rather just turn it off completely. I'm so black and white, all or nothing. Either no food, or so much food I puke it all. 

I just need this next week to prove to myself I can do it- I can still be in control of my food and weight. I know I can. I just have to be motivated enough to embrace the hunger, to invite it in with open arms.

Secrets

I wonder if anyone knows how much I'm struggling with my eating disorder? I don't think they have a clue. I mean, come on- I'm a normal weight for my 5'6" small framed body. I've been generally around 115 pounds since May, give or take five pounds.

Apparently I'm too fat to have an eating disorder. I'm so surprised though that no one has said anything about my frequent purging. Does my mom know but doesn't say a thing? I mean, I haven't really been hiding it too well. I used to clean up after myself quite well and now I do a sloppy job cleaning up the vomit that splashed around in the toilet. I go right upstairs or to the bathroom wherever I'm eating afterwards to purge. Maybe all my friends and family are choosing to think the best. Maybe they don't want to believe I'm purging again, not to mention three times a day at least.

I passionately hate purging. I don't want to do it anymore. Everyday I wake up and tell myself this is the day I'm going to be purge free. Why can't I stop?? I don't even take joy in eating anymore. What's the point when I'm just going to throw it up again? But sometimes my body's desire for food trumps my dislike of purging. Sometimes I feel as though I'm autopilot and I can't stop myself.

No one knows. Not my team, my pro-recovery blog/vlog followers, friends, family...how long can I manage to hide it though?

This identity, this blog, is the only place I can be so honest. I cannot voice these words out loud. I cannot confide in those I love. If they knew, I'd disappoint them. They'd try to fix me and I know better than anyone they can't do that.

117 pounds. WTF seriously?! I need to get my shit together. This is most definitely NOT acceptable.

Motivation for the day: My jeans are too tight. They are a size 2 and size 4. It disgusts me that they are so tight nowadays. I remember when size 00 were way too big on me. I don't even think I could fit my arm in those old jeans.

I've got to get back down there. I need to AT LEAST get to 105 pounds. I'm pretty comfortable at that weight. So here I come ;)

Detox

I'm thinking trying to go from loads of processed foods to nothing might of been too much of a jump. So for the rest of September (four days), I'm going to only eat vegan raw foods. I like to think of it as a detox. I'll allow myself to eat however much I want to eat of vegetables and fruit, and possibly some nuts every so often.

My goal right now isn't to lose weight, but to cleanse my body from processed foods. However, the whole month of October WILL be dedicated to weight loss.

So far this morning, I've had coffee with soy cream, vitamins, pineapple, and grapes. For lunch I'm having lots of veggies and dinner is going to be a serving of almonds. Sounds pretty healthy huh??

I'm amazed at how much my body is craving processed foods. It's bad. It's all I want to eat.

Here's to NO PROCESSED SHIT! :)

Bagel Addiction

Day One was a complete fail. I think I have a problem. For years I didn't allow myself to have bagels. Well, in the past month I've finally let myself have them and now I can't stop eating bagels!

I've binged and purged four times today. So much for being b/p free.

I feel disgusting. I feel like a giant mass of lumpy lard attempting to pass as a human being.

:( I need to stop eating processed foods! NO MORE.

Day One Weigh In

Even though I ate loads yesterday, my weight is still the same- 115.6 pounds

I'm already tempted to go off my 5 day challenge and have something more for breakfast.

Why am I doing this to myself? What's the point? I think it'll be easier to continue on if when I see some results.

Off to work I go. Just five days, Avi. Let's see what happens, ok?

5 Day Challenge

Day One
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- veggies, sugar free apple cider
Dinner- fruit
*1hr walk

Day Two
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- veggies, sugar free apple cider
Dinner- fruit
*painting

Day Three
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- veggies, sugar free apple cider
Dinner- 10oz baked potato

Day Four
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- fruit
Dinner- veggies
*1hr walk

Day Five
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- veggies
Dinner- 10oz baked potato
*painting

NO BINGEING/PURGING!

I'm at a local (and the BEST) coffee shop/bakery. It's a great vibe here. I decided that since I already fucked up earlier today, I'd go ahead and have what I've been craving- a bagel and cream cheese. I also ended up having the green machine Naked juice AND a sticky oat bran muffin. I'm feeling so full, my first instinct is to purge.

I don't want to purge though. It'll only reinforce the bingeing behavior. If I don't purge, I'll suffer the consequences of bingeing and maybe, just maybe, it'll stop me in the future if I don't allow myself an "out." 

Still...it's not easy feeling full. I hate the feeling. Tomorrow I'll be empty though. 

My cousin posted some pictures on facebook of us at a football game. I didn't feel particularly fat when the picture was taken, but I sure do LOOK it in the pictures. My stomach is large enough to see the imprint of my belly button in the pictures. If there's one thing I hate, it's my stomach. I can handle my legs and, to some extent, my arms. But my stomach has always been something I abhor.

My Stats

I've had an eating disorder for 11 years, but it didn't become an incredibly severe eating disorder until two years ago, a month before I turned 21. I've gone through different types of treatment- outpatient, inpatient, residential, PHP...when I was 14-16 and then again throughout the past two years.

Age: 23
Height: 5'6"
Diagnosis: Anorexia, the purging type
Highest Weight: 150 pounds at age 20
Lowest Weight: 90 pounds at age 22
Current Weight: 115 pounds
Current Goal Weight: 105
Ultimate Goal Weight: 82

I'm sorry, but I'm not recovered.

I can't be honest about these thoughts in real life. There's too many expectations of me, too many people relying on me to be the strong one. To them, I am in recovery from my eating disorder. I'm happy with my body and my life.

What a lie. 

I'm purging 1-3 times a day or not eating at all. I hate my body. I can't wait to be living on my own in a couple weeks so I don't have the obligation to eat for my parent's happiness and satisfaction that all is right in my world. I don't like my body. I want to lose weight. I want to fit into my old clothes- the ones I wore when I weighed 25 pounds less than I do now. 

Some moments I don't want it. Some moments I actually want recovery and just to eat and be normal and happy. But more often than not, I want my eating disorder.

This is the truth I hide. Because if anyone knew, they'd try to stop me. For now, let them be happy and think I'm doing great. This is the darkest side of me, the one I hide to keep.

Avi