Breaking The Binge/Purge Cycle

I've been sick the past few days and today is my first day back at work. I'm not completely better, but at least I don't sound like a man anymore. I just finished round two of coffee and am getting ready for the work day. 

I'm working very hard at not purging today. I haven't had a purge free day in awhile. I would never purge again, but let's be realistic here. I've been purging for nine years, and quite consistently for the past two years.

I feel like I need an intervention. I've thought about telling my parents and having them monitor me for a few days to keep me accountable. The problem with that idea is that they would make me actually eat as well. I want to stop purging, but still restrict. I'm pretty sure that won't fly with my parents or anyone else who has my best interest in mind. 

So I'm back to square one. Breaking the binge/purge cycle is up to me. I am on my own this time.

I've decided I want to stop eating food at work. There's so many potlucks and such. Most people know about my eating disorder and judge me when I do eat. Especially this one girl- let's call her C. Whenever I get food, I feel her eyes on me. Sometimes she tells me I don't need that much food- like one cookie is enough instead of three. WTF?! She's very overweight and I'm underweight. Of course, she probably is saying that because she knows I'm going to purge it. She thinks I won't purge it if I only have one cookie. FALSE. I will purge it no matter what. Having a cookie, even just one, isn't okay for me to keep. Might as well have three if the one is going to come back up anyway.

Of course, I can't exactly explain this to her. I highly doubt she'd understand my rationality. 

So the plan??? I want to stop eating ANY food at work. I'll drink my tea, diet soda, and sugar free apple cider, but anything solid should not and WILL NOT touch my lips. 

I feel like restricting today is almost pointless since K is coming over for dinner and game night with my family tomorrow evening. I feel like having to have that meal with everyone is going to completely undo all my hard work today. 

But maybe not. The only thing I'm planning on eating today after work is an apple and two beets. Plus, I'm going for a long walk today too. I'll let you guys know how today turns out. 

Failure

I'm such a failure in so many ways. I fucked up at work today. I'm so embarrassed. I feel incompetent and slow. I hate myself for fucking up so much. I'm scared I'm going to lose my job. I fear they're starting to see I'm not fit to do this position.

My weight is a big fuck up too. I gained two pounds in the last week. I've been eating a lot more and trying to stabilize my body since my labs weren't so great when I saw my doctor last Wednesday.

115pds. I can't get away from that number.

On top of that, I'm sick. I am afraid this is going to make my coworkers and boss look at me with further disapproval. I'm not working tomorrow. I am so sorry.

I hate myself today. I really do hate me right now.

And on the outside, I pretend I'm fine- well, I pretend my self-worth is still intact instead of in shambles like it really is right now.

I don't know how anything is going to get better. K...things are moving along between us...our friendship is definitely turning into something more. I feel like I need to run away before he see's the mess I really am. I mean, I'm pretty honest with him, but pretty soon it'll be more than he can handle. Maybe I should cut him off now? Spare us both?

Low Potassium

The last few days haven't been going so well. I had several appointments this week. All of them went well except my doctor's appointment. I had my blood work done and I had low iron, vitamin D, potassium and high cholesterol (genetic- diet doesn't change it, only meds that I've been slacking on). My blood pressure was 90/60 which is normal for me.

I can tell my potassium has been low, from all the purging. My hands have been cramping up and I've felt quite unwell. It's so frustrating...

So in order to get my body back to an OK place, I've actually been eating and keeping food. Since I haven't really been eating solids (or at least keeping them), my body is slow do digest. I'm incredibly constipated right now and it shows on the scale. 115pds! WTF! I hope that once I ACTUALLY poo, things will get better.

My Jeans Feel Better!!!

I'm still losing weight. Good news, I guess. Today I actually FELT thinner. My arms are looking smaller and my jeans finally fit again. I bought these jeans when I weighed the same- 112pds- a year ago. THANK GOD THEY FIT AGAIN. 120 pds was just WAY TOO SNUG.

I hope to be under 110 by next weigh in. I don't know how realistic that is though. I mean, I lost 7 pounds my first week. I've watched enough episodes of Biggest Loser to know after a big weight loss, a smaller one is the follow.

I binged and purged again this morning. Again. FML. Guess on what??? A FUCKING CAN OF BLACK BEANS AND CHEESE. Why do I keep going back to this?! It just seems odd to me. It's like the bean and cheese burrito without the burrito part.

And then two bowls of cereal. Go me. Really. I'm just waiting for my weight to shoot up from all this bingeing and purging. I don't know why, but b/ping works for me.

BINGES SUCK.

I had a few binges yesterday. What's my problem?!

Binge #1

apple

2 servings caramel apple crisp

2 plain caramel chunks

Binge#2

apple

3 large pancakes with syrup

1 serving thai ginger rice noodles

2 cans black beans with lots of cheese

I mean REALLY? Who the fuck binges on cans of black beans?! I was so good throughout the day. I said no to pizza at lunch AND pizza at dinner (apparently yesterday was a pizza day). I went on a long fast paced walk. I didn't eat anything else.

And then I go and fuck it up.

Somehow, I still managed to lose weight. When I was in recovery, I was really good about replacing whatever I purged with some other food. Now I'm not replacing it at all, just drinking loads of water. 

Todays plan?? No solid food. I can't trust myself with it. Two coffee's with soy cream and a sugar free apple cider for lunch. 

Weigh In: Oct 8

113.0 pounds

I'm shocked I dropped nearly 7 pounds in a week. Maybe I wouldn't be a surprised if I actually stuck to restricting but I didn't. Half of the past week, I was bingeing and purging loads. This weight loss is likely water weight, but hey, I won't lie- seeing a lower number makes me happy.

Fall is here

K and I went apple picking. I didn't purge at all yesterday because I was with him and I don't ever want  him to see that side of me. I ended up eating homemade applesauce, two pumpkin doughnuts, an apple, and two servings of caramel apple crisp. Can someone say overload on the whole fall festive treat thing? But that's all I ate yesterday and I somehow managed to lose a pound. Don't ask me how that works because I can honestly say I have no idea.

In fact, despite bingeing and purging A LOT this week, I've seemed to steadily be losing weight. I'm sure it's mostly due to dehydration, but a girl can hope, right??

Tomorrow is weigh in day. Kind of nervous but we'll see what happens.

BINGE/PURGE CYCLE

The last two days have been quite the nightmare. I don't know what happened but something in me snapped and I reverted to my old binge/purge ways. I forgot how incredibly horrible it was to be caught up in the bp cycle. I also forgot how it numbs you. The numbing part I liked. Maybe that's why I get addicted to b/ping.

Apparently I haven't done too much damage to my weight- 116 pds. However, I don't expect it to stay that way. Tonight I'm going out to dinner and drinks with friends. Tomorrow I'm going apple picking with K- pumpkin doughnuts and I'm making him caramel apple crisp.

I have other things on my mind I wish to write about but time eludes me. I need to head out to work.

Day 2

coffee with soy creamer 40

vitamin/calcium chews 50

1 large beet 150

kombucha 60

3oz carrots 35

2cups tea 10

caloric intake: 345

exercise: -140

total: 205

I'd say I did pretty well today! Furthermore, I'm three days purge free which makes me very happy :)

The Beginning

I woke up this morning ready for my October weight loss challenge. I wasn't expecting the huge ass number I saw on the scale: 119.8! WHAT THE FUCK?! When did that happen??! I sort of panicked and took four laxatives. I had a lot of fiber yesterday and I just wanted it OUT NOW. 

I get to work and of course someone brought cinnamon rolls and bagels (my weakness!). I managed to stay away from them all day though, so I'm pretty darn proud of myself. 

However, I wasn't able to stay away from some homegrown white grapes and plums. It's on my safe list so I figure it's alright, but I was really planning on eating nothing today. AND THEN, my mom texted me that she boiled a bunch of beets for me and expects me to eat them while she's out of town this week. I'm getting sick of beets already.

Day One Food Intake:

coffee with soy cream

vitamin chews

3 cups green grapes

10 small plums

3 large beets

2 cans coconut water

Definitely not the low calorie day I was planning, but at least I stuck to my OK foods. Tomorrow I'm hoping to do better.

October Weight loss Challenge

Yep, that's right peeps. I'm doing a weight loss challenge for myself and anyone else who wants to join. My goal is to not eat any processed food and stick to a primarily raw vegan diet.

My Main Staples
- Veggies (beets, carrots, cauliflower, red pepper, etc)
- Fruits (APPLES, grapes, etc.)
- Potatoes/sweet potatoes
- Almonds

- Water
- Kombucha
- Coconut water
- Tea
- Daily coffee with soy creamer

My goal is to eat as little as possible and never (or at least rarely) purge. I'll only weigh myself once a week on Mondays.

Bring it on!

Do I Still Have It?

I am so tired today! K wants to hang out with me today, but I don't feel up to it. He brings up so many conflicting and uncomfortable emotions in me, totally not is fault either. It's easier to shut him out, especially when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable.

I'm pretty sure I'm PMSing. Everything my parents say to me makes me want to snap back at them. I'm easily irritable and my skin is breaking out- sure signs I'm about to get a visit from Aunt Flo. It's odd for me though. I JUST had my period return a month ago. I haven't really had it since my last major relapse. 

Both times I ate meals today, I purged. I managed to keep an apple and a piece of toast with peanut butter after that, because I felt shaky and on the verge of passing out. My momma went to the fruit farms today and got some yummy things- beets picked this morning and a box of apples just picked too! For dinner I'm going to treat myself and have an apple, a beet, and a baked potato. I'm not restricting yet. That begins Monday when my parents go out of town for the week. That way, I won't have them on my back about restricting.

My weight went back down to 115 pounds, despite me really fucking up yesterday in the food department. 115, the number I can't seem to get away from. I will be getting away from it though, and quite soon. I have social obligations to eat something tomorrow for lunch, but monday through wednesday will be complete fasting days, besides my morning coffee with soy cream. My social obligations to eat this next will be Thursday morning at work, and probably Saturday morning breakfast in a week. K wants to take me out to breakfast so I'm guessing it'll happen next weekend. 

I wish I could just stop eating completely. It annoys me to have to eat here and there. I'd rather just turn it off completely. I'm so black and white, all or nothing. Either no food, or so much food I puke it all. 

I just need this next week to prove to myself I can do it- I can still be in control of my food and weight. I know I can. I just have to be motivated enough to embrace the hunger, to invite it in with open arms.

Secrets

I wonder if anyone knows how much I'm struggling with my eating disorder? I don't think they have a clue. I mean, come on- I'm a normal weight for my 5'6" small framed body. I've been generally around 115 pounds since May, give or take five pounds.

Apparently I'm too fat to have an eating disorder. I'm so surprised though that no one has said anything about my frequent purging. Does my mom know but doesn't say a thing? I mean, I haven't really been hiding it too well. I used to clean up after myself quite well and now I do a sloppy job cleaning up the vomit that splashed around in the toilet. I go right upstairs or to the bathroom wherever I'm eating afterwards to purge. Maybe all my friends and family are choosing to think the best. Maybe they don't want to believe I'm purging again, not to mention three times a day at least.

I passionately hate purging. I don't want to do it anymore. Everyday I wake up and tell myself this is the day I'm going to be purge free. Why can't I stop?? I don't even take joy in eating anymore. What's the point when I'm just going to throw it up again? But sometimes my body's desire for food trumps my dislike of purging. Sometimes I feel as though I'm autopilot and I can't stop myself.

No one knows. Not my team, my pro-recovery blog/vlog followers, friends, family...how long can I manage to hide it though?

This identity, this blog, is the only place I can be so honest. I cannot voice these words out loud. I cannot confide in those I love. If they knew, I'd disappoint them. They'd try to fix me and I know better than anyone they can't do that.

117 pounds. WTF seriously?! I need to get my shit together. This is most definitely NOT acceptable.

Motivation for the day: My jeans are too tight. They are a size 2 and size 4. It disgusts me that they are so tight nowadays. I remember when size 00 were way too big on me. I don't even think I could fit my arm in those old jeans.

I've got to get back down there. I need to AT LEAST get to 105 pounds. I'm pretty comfortable at that weight. So here I come ;)

Detox

I'm thinking trying to go from loads of processed foods to nothing might of been too much of a jump. So for the rest of September (four days), I'm going to only eat vegan raw foods. I like to think of it as a detox. I'll allow myself to eat however much I want to eat of vegetables and fruit, and possibly some nuts every so often.

My goal right now isn't to lose weight, but to cleanse my body from processed foods. However, the whole month of October WILL be dedicated to weight loss.

So far this morning, I've had coffee with soy cream, vitamins, pineapple, and grapes. For lunch I'm having lots of veggies and dinner is going to be a serving of almonds. Sounds pretty healthy huh??

I'm amazed at how much my body is craving processed foods. It's bad. It's all I want to eat.

Here's to NO PROCESSED SHIT! :)

Bagel Addiction

Day One was a complete fail. I think I have a problem. For years I didn't allow myself to have bagels. Well, in the past month I've finally let myself have them and now I can't stop eating bagels!

I've binged and purged four times today. So much for being b/p free.

I feel disgusting. I feel like a giant mass of lumpy lard attempting to pass as a human being.

:( I need to stop eating processed foods! NO MORE.

Day One Weigh In

Even though I ate loads yesterday, my weight is still the same- 115.6 pounds

I'm already tempted to go off my 5 day challenge and have something more for breakfast.

Why am I doing this to myself? What's the point? I think it'll be easier to continue on if when I see some results.

Off to work I go. Just five days, Avi. Let's see what happens, ok?

5 Day Challenge

Day One
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- veggies, sugar free apple cider
Dinner- fruit
*1hr walk

Day Two
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- veggies, sugar free apple cider
Dinner- fruit
*painting

Day Three
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- veggies, sugar free apple cider
Dinner- 10oz baked potato

Day Four
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- fruit
Dinner- veggies
*1hr walk

Day Five
Breakfast- coffee with soy cream, vitamins
Lunch- veggies
Dinner- 10oz baked potato
*painting

NO BINGEING/PURGING!

I'm at a local (and the BEST) coffee shop/bakery. It's a great vibe here. I decided that since I already fucked up earlier today, I'd go ahead and have what I've been craving- a bagel and cream cheese. I also ended up having the green machine Naked juice AND a sticky oat bran muffin. I'm feeling so full, my first instinct is to purge.

I don't want to purge though. It'll only reinforce the bingeing behavior. If I don't purge, I'll suffer the consequences of bingeing and maybe, just maybe, it'll stop me in the future if I don't allow myself an "out." 

Still...it's not easy feeling full. I hate the feeling. Tomorrow I'll be empty though. 

My cousin posted some pictures on facebook of us at a football game. I didn't feel particularly fat when the picture was taken, but I sure do LOOK it in the pictures. My stomach is large enough to see the imprint of my belly button in the pictures. If there's one thing I hate, it's my stomach. I can handle my legs and, to some extent, my arms. But my stomach has always been something I abhor.

My Stats

I've had an eating disorder for 11 years, but it didn't become an incredibly severe eating disorder until two years ago, a month before I turned 21. I've gone through different types of treatment- outpatient, inpatient, residential, PHP...when I was 14-16 and then again throughout the past two years.

Age: 23
Height: 5'6"
Diagnosis: Anorexia, the purging type
Highest Weight: 150 pounds at age 20
Lowest Weight: 90 pounds at age 22
Current Weight: 115 pounds
Current Goal Weight: 105
Ultimate Goal Weight: 82

I'm sorry, but I'm not recovered.

I can't be honest about these thoughts in real life. There's too many expectations of me, too many people relying on me to be the strong one. To them, I am in recovery from my eating disorder. I'm happy with my body and my life.

What a lie. 

I'm purging 1-3 times a day or not eating at all. I hate my body. I can't wait to be living on my own in a couple weeks so I don't have the obligation to eat for my parent's happiness and satisfaction that all is right in my world. I don't like my body. I want to lose weight. I want to fit into my old clothes- the ones I wore when I weighed 25 pounds less than I do now. 

Some moments I don't want it. Some moments I actually want recovery and just to eat and be normal and happy. But more often than not, I want my eating disorder.

This is the truth I hide. Because if anyone knew, they'd try to stop me. For now, let them be happy and think I'm doing great. This is the darkest side of me, the one I hide to keep.

Avi