Secrets

I wonder if anyone knows how much I'm struggling with my eating disorder? I don't think they have a clue. I mean, come on- I'm a normal weight for my 5'6" small framed body. I've been generally around 115 pounds since May, give or take five pounds.

Apparently I'm too fat to have an eating disorder. I'm so surprised though that no one has said anything about my frequent purging. Does my mom know but doesn't say a thing? I mean, I haven't really been hiding it too well. I used to clean up after myself quite well and now I do a sloppy job cleaning up the vomit that splashed around in the toilet. I go right upstairs or to the bathroom wherever I'm eating afterwards to purge. Maybe all my friends and family are choosing to think the best. Maybe they don't want to believe I'm purging again, not to mention three times a day at least.

I passionately hate purging. I don't want to do it anymore. Everyday I wake up and tell myself this is the day I'm going to be purge free. Why can't I stop?? I don't even take joy in eating anymore. What's the point when I'm just going to throw it up again? But sometimes my body's desire for food trumps my dislike of purging. Sometimes I feel as though I'm autopilot and I can't stop myself.

No one knows. Not my team, my pro-recovery blog/vlog followers, friends, family...how long can I manage to hide it though?

This identity, this blog, is the only place I can be so honest. I cannot voice these words out loud. I cannot confide in those I love. If they knew, I'd disappoint them. They'd try to fix me and I know better than anyone they can't do that.