Do I Still Have It?

I am so tired today! K wants to hang out with me today, but I don't feel up to it. He brings up so many conflicting and uncomfortable emotions in me, totally not is fault either. It's easier to shut him out, especially when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable.

I'm pretty sure I'm PMSing. Everything my parents say to me makes me want to snap back at them. I'm easily irritable and my skin is breaking out- sure signs I'm about to get a visit from Aunt Flo. It's odd for me though. I JUST had my period return a month ago. I haven't really had it since my last major relapse. 

Both times I ate meals today, I purged. I managed to keep an apple and a piece of toast with peanut butter after that, because I felt shaky and on the verge of passing out. My momma went to the fruit farms today and got some yummy things- beets picked this morning and a box of apples just picked too! For dinner I'm going to treat myself and have an apple, a beet, and a baked potato. I'm not restricting yet. That begins Monday when my parents go out of town for the week. That way, I won't have them on my back about restricting.

My weight went back down to 115 pounds, despite me really fucking up yesterday in the food department. 115, the number I can't seem to get away from. I will be getting away from it though, and quite soon. I have social obligations to eat something tomorrow for lunch, but monday through wednesday will be complete fasting days, besides my morning coffee with soy cream. My social obligations to eat this next will be Thursday morning at work, and probably Saturday morning breakfast in a week. K wants to take me out to breakfast so I'm guessing it'll happen next weekend. 

I wish I could just stop eating completely. It annoys me to have to eat here and there. I'd rather just turn it off completely. I'm so black and white, all or nothing. Either no food, or so much food I puke it all. 

I just need this next week to prove to myself I can do it- I can still be in control of my food and weight. I know I can. I just have to be motivated enough to embrace the hunger, to invite it in with open arms.