I'm such a failure in so many ways. I fucked up at work today. I'm so embarrassed. I feel incompetent and slow. I hate myself for fucking up so much. I'm scared I'm going to lose my job. I fear they're starting to see I'm not fit to do this position.
My weight is a big fuck up too. I gained two pounds in the last week. I've been eating a lot more and trying to stabilize my body since my labs weren't so great when I saw my doctor last Wednesday.
115pds. I can't get away from that number.
On top of that, I'm sick. I am afraid this is going to make my coworkers and boss look at me with further disapproval. I'm not working tomorrow. I am so sorry.
I hate myself today. I really do hate me right now.
And on the outside, I pretend I'm fine- well, I pretend my self-worth is still intact instead of in shambles like it really is right now.
I don't know how anything is going to get better. K...things are moving along between us...our friendship is definitely turning into something more. I feel like I need to run away before he see's the mess I really am. I mean, I'm pretty honest with him, but pretty soon it'll be more than he can handle. Maybe I should cut him off now? Spare us both?
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